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Today, I have been feeling incredibly homesick lately and I needed an attitude check.
You know it’s strange, but even when I was in primary treatment in Tennessee for three months I never felt homesick. I would have instances where I would miss my family, especially Courtney, but I wouldn’t feel like I wanted to go home. Maybe it’s because I’m so far away from New York that my attitude is different… maybe because finally real change is happening.
I know that since I’m basically setting up residence here in Flagstaff that I’m gong through the whole “grass in greener” mentality that I play out in my mind. I know it’s not even an option for me to go back to New York if I want to best guarantee sobriety and that this option with Back 2 Basics Sober Living for a long term residential environment will be best for my personal growth and long term health and to create the right attitude.
Honestly, I constantly think of going back there to old friends who “really” know me and who “really” get me and just have a couple drinks with them at the family bar. I think that since I’m being forced to really face my demons right now, I’m looking for a way out. I romance the idea in my head but I know that is not going to happen.
I’m at this transition point in sobriety where the initial fun is over and now I need to really piece together my life in order to find real peace and happiness. I’m still feeling some resistance though, and I can actually feel it in my body. I tell myself that I’m ready to give in and fully surrender but times I still hold onto old ideas about drinking. I am going to stop beating myself up over it though. I’ve used for twelve years and have been sober for almost two months. I have to remind myself that I am doing pretty damn good and to not give up “before the miracle happens.” I’ve been close a couple of times, but I’m sticking this one out. I know the beauty and happiness that lies at the other side of the door. That is what I truly want.
So what am I grateful for today? I’m grateful for my health, family, and friends. I’m so grateful for my spirituality, the true basis for all life and happiness. I’m grateful for all the opportunities that lie in front of me, all the lessons that I’m learning, and all the beauty that lies around me at every still moment. Today I ask for inner stillness so that I can be open to great spirits, love, and guidance. Today is a good day.
One Love
Journal from Back 2 Basics Sober Living Client