Clean Slate
I have a little less than one month left at Back2Basics and I have learned a lot about my inner self these past three months. I learned how to do things in life with passion and to the best of my ability most of the time. I learned that in my sobriety I have to do what works for me and only for me; if I start relying on people, I am pretty sure I would end up using drugs and alcohol again. I gained a stronger understanding of my higher power and started praying to him more in the morning when I wake up, all through the day, and at night before I go to bed. I also started working steps with my sponsor more diligently in the past three months. My sponsor and I have gained a closer relationship while working the steps. I’ve opened up and told him things that I didn’t necessarily want him to know. Today I can talk to him about anything that is troubling in my life now. I have had more opportunities than I have ever had in my life. I have some really good opportunities in my life today because of one choice, and that was my choice to get my life going in the right direction, almost like rebirth. I’m really glad I have caught my addiction at such a young age and not at an older one. I have the advantage of starting over at a young age. I am hoping I stay strong in recovery, I tend to get anxious about getting out of the program and staying sober and thinking about what I’m going to do when I start my career in life.
– B2B client
Acceptance
Back2Basics has been a true test of my acceptance level. Sobriety in general has. I feel like one of my main factors of using was my lack of acceptance. I didn’t accept the way I looked or felt, or the way my life was going so I used a chemical to change that. Using drugs gave me the same predictable feeling so I ended up using it as an escape any time something didn’t go as planned. A lot of my acceptance problems I think were based out of fear. When a challenge, or an obstacle or bad news thrown my way, I would do everything in my power to change it. I could not accept it until I felt I had done everything in my power to change it. And even then, it was hard for me to swallow. Being here for four months I’ve already noticed my fear levels start to decrease. I feel now that if I’m not afraid of the outcome or what’s going to happen next, it is way easier for me to accept it and live in the moment. Working the steps with my sponsor has taught me things I never knew about myself and pushed me to places I never thought I could go. One of the greatest personal achievements, in my eyes, was being able to complete the second step, and finding a power greater then myself that I believed in. I had always been searching for something like that earlier in my life, but I had never been able to find it. I now see my higher power in the outdoors and connections in people around me. The only attempt I’d made to contact God when I was using was something along the lines of, “If You help me get through this ,I will never use again.” I would only pray when things got really bad and completely unmanageable and it was always to remove the challenge or obstacle in front of me, as appose to praying for the strength to face it. Now at the end of my day I thank my higher power for what has been given to me and to express how grateful I am. It’s always inspiring to see the peers around me begin to find that connection with something they believe in. People always told me that with a higher power comes faith, but what I think I’ve learned in the steps is that faith comes with a higher power. Once you start trusting yourself and the situations you’ve been put in, the more and more you find faith that something out there is going help pull you through. I can’t think of many other addicts or alcoholics that are given the opportunity and support that I have been given to work in a community towards the same goal. I just can’t say enough how blessed I am that. I’ve been placed in a group of people in my age and my situation all pushing each other further into sobriety.
Progress
I’m now almost four months into sobriety here at Back2Basics, and its incredible the changes that have happened to me in that short amount of time. I went from not wanting to be here to realizing I need to be here, to wanting to stay and continue on through transition. Even my thinking from a week ago is different than it is today. As an addict that usually doesn’t usually doesn’t have much motivation to do anything without immediate reward, it’s inspiring to see how quickly my attitude and my peers around me can change. It’s especially amazing to me to see new guys come in behind me with the exact same mindset I had, then watch them go through the transformation of wanting to get sober. A great example is the person that arrived right after I did. He had the “screw it” attitude perfected and it seemed that he might not make it because he was so set in his ways and unwilling to change. But little by little, I could see the shell peel away and him actually start to want to be here. He is now one of the hardest working clients in the program. There have been times that new client’s response is always to challenge them to stay here for a month and then come tell me that they still want to leave. It has yet to happen. I feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity I’ve been given here. I can’t think of many other addicts or alcoholics that yet to go camp in Joshua Tree with other people all working to better themselves. My brother actually told me on my last phone call that he was jealous of the things I get to do here. That would not have made sense to me before I got here but I definitely understand that now. This past weekend, me and a couple other client were lucky enough to go kayak the San Juan River in Utah with one of the guides from NAU. The weeks leading up to the trip, we were able to get white water kayak certified at the NAU aquatic center. We learned how to roll, brace, and other skills I was able to use on the river. I remember on the first day of that trip I could barely paddle in a straight line and by the end of the week, I was going out of my way to surf waves. Before coming here I wouldn’t have done anything like this. Sober or not sober. If you told me four months ago that I would be hiking Arches National Park, there is no way I would’ve believed you. I’ve never really been that big of an outdoors fan , but now I feel that I’m incredibly blessed.
– B2B client
Mind Over Matter
I have had quite an eventful two weeks; we have taken two really awesome trips in Utah. Two weeks ago was the Moab trip, which happened to be Beth and Cutler’s last trip at Back2Basics. I found it really inspiring to see Alex C get through his time here with such a positive attitude and with a strong passion for sobriety. When I first got tot the house he and I didn’t get along very well. I think what really turned things around for us was the Mexico trip. We had a small group so we were more or less forced to get to know the people we were with a lot better I guess. It was cool to sit down and learn more about him on a deeper level. We have a lot in common like how we were raised, and the general area where we are from. Even being under three months in the program I see how much effort and work he put into his program to stay focused and content with where he is at.
I find myself already thinking about the future and more about people I miss and relationships that I want to mend especially with an ex-girlfriend of mine. It’s amazing to truly see how much my mind has changed in these three months. The selfishness and self seeking is truly slipping away as I work more and more. I’ve really had time to reflect on those I have hurt and it’s hard to wait patiently for my chance to make amends at times. There are a lot of people I have hurt on my destructive path and I know some of them will not forgive me. I’m just focusing on staying present and working on myself for now because that is what I need to do most in my life now to take full advantage of this Back2Basics opportunity.
Asserting how I feel and my opinion on matters has always been tough for me, because I have a people pleasing personality, and it can often turn me resentful. Resentment and guilt have been huge contributors in past relapses, so if I can keep those under control I think I will have a much better shot at long term sobriety. Lately I have been having thoughts of using often late at night before falling asleep in bed. That quiet time in my mind alone really gets the wheels turning in my head about past actions I have done and I often recall the euphoria produced by the drugs I abused. Those moments make me thankful for being apart of this program that keeps me grounded. When I am able to play the whole tape out in my head I can see where that lifestyle has led me and the bridges and opportunities I have burned in the process. When I can feel the raw emotions from that, the urge to use disappears quickly.
My parents have also been starting to talk to me about what I want to do after Back2Basics. They know fully about transition, but surprisingly they are not pushing on me super hard. They’ve noticed that my state of mind has changed and are supportive of the decisions that I make for myself. I know that transition would be really good for my sobriety, well hell it couldn’t hurt, and I know that’s what needs to be my number one priority in my life. Without sobriety I have nothing. I also have the option of moving to LA or back home where I also have solid AA friends and support to help me along my journey. The nice thing about going home would be working with my original drug and alcohol counselor Noah. He is a super smart guy who is great with accountability and he has a lot of first hand experience with addiction. If I was in LA I could go back to a sober living there. So I have a couple options that could potentially be healthy for me but I am leaning towards transition because of the great friendships I have started to make here. The past three months of my life has been an awesome chance for me to change and grow and I am so thankful for the blessing and opportunity I have been given. If I have changed this much in three months I am excited for where I will be in six months. For now I am going to stay mindful of my thoughts and actions, so that I can be the best and most useful client I can possibly be.
-B2B client
