Table of Contents
Rough Days –
The past few days have been some of the roughest of my life. Through the pain I can feel the change though. It feels good in a way I haven’t felt in forever but also terrifies me in a way I never felt. The beginning of this process was my return here 2 Back to Basics. I always come to a program ready to go but by day two or three my mind is going so crazy I’m constantly plotting my Escape. For the second time I made the attempt to leave this time I didn’t though. I sat down told staff my BS and for some reason I don’t know why told her I was trying to make an excuse to leave. She spoke with me for a little and something in her words finally just broke through to me. She convinced me to do the things I was fearing most and got me to go on the 3-day 14 mile backpacking trip. In my wildest dreams or nightmares I never thought I could push my body that far. The first day going down into the canyon I thought the pain of the 25 to 30 pounds on my back the burn in my legs I had never felt so strongly would never end. As we reach camp I was relieved for all of two minutes until I realized I had two more days of this. At that point I truly believed by the last day the only way I was making it out of that canyon was passed out in a helicopter. Little did I know I was capable of so much more than I ever imagined. The second day was the day my mentality really changed even though I thought I would be hot tired and miserable I found myself truly enjoying the experience and the people around me. Camp that night was the best experience of my time at this program. I laughed and smiled like I haven’t in years. I was given a feeling drugs had never given me. Happiness, hope and joy. That night even knowing what the next day brought( 4 miles of upwards hell back to the van) I was content. That night multiple people told me their thoughts about certain aspects of myself for the first time in years I listened and really tried to take them in. Then came the third and final day. I will admit as I thought about the pain in my legs that morning and how they felt like Jell-O, I was terrified and convinced it wasn’t making it out of the canyon.
Well, I did and that really did something to me. For the rest of my time here I will never forget how much pain fear and self-doubt I felt and how really really good and gratifying it felt to defeat it. To be standing back at that been looking down into the canyon exhausted knowing that I, the last person I’d expect, just conquered that. That trail that I was sure would be my death that then became my enemy was now nothing more than a piece of my life that I had overcome. That feeling at that moment was something I will never be able to put into words. At that moment I also became so thankful to staff whom at first I viewed as my doom but then realized without her challenge I probably would never have felt that feeling at that moment. The ride home became very mental for me. For some reason my mind began to allow me to see and realize the severity of my life before I got here. I’m not sure what did it but I lived an hour and a half of self realization and honesty I never had before. Not full honesty of realization to be honest but enough that it really affected my perspective and scared the heck out of me for when I get the full thing. I had memories of things I’ve done that merely brought me to tears. For once I think I looked at myself and my actions not as my addict self but as who I really am. To say the least, I hated my former self for an hour and a half. In that hatred I made a promise to myself that I am here I can and will do this and that person I saw in myself will not rule my life anymore. As staff said the “magic of nature” seem to get to me. I went into that canyon one person and came out a different, better one. One I think I can one day be proud of.
