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This morning to a 12step meeting and saw my sponsor speak. She talked a lot about spirituality and accepting her imperfections. It is always comforting for me to hear my sponsor speak because often I feel that she is someone I know that I can trust and talk to.
Lately I do not feel as spiritual as I have been in the past. Often, I feel a disconnection between myself and my higher power and I don’t know why. I have been praying a lot for others lately because it helps me get out of my head. However, I am wondering if maybe I should pray a little more about improving my connection with my higher power.
In the desert of Utah I felt more connected with nature, animals, and a higher power than I have ever felt before. I remember being on my first solo in which I stayed in a specific site for three days by myself. I set up camp next to this windy, spiral juniper tree. It had an area of shade for all times of the day that I would move to as the sun moved. I embraced myself wholly into the tree like I was a part of it. There was a branch that came out at an angle in such a way I could lay on it and let my feet dangle in the sand. I could feel my higher power’s presence in the tree. I didn’t feel alone at all during those three days that I stayed with the juniper tree. I remember how grateful and pleasant I felt to learn how such a simple thing could fill my cup.
Before I thought about spirituality at an all, I had a very pessimistic attitude about life. I could not understand why there could possibility be a God, because the world is so incredibility corrupted and messed up. I figured it is impossible to help the world now so I might as well drink. Wow, I see that everything happens for a reason and there as much beauty in the world as there is ugliness and that we can learn from both.
During an Outdoor Adventure, was the first time I saw beauty was when I was in the desert. There was a site we stayed at for a night that had a bunch of silt rock overlooking the Navaho Mountains. I climbed up the rocks to look at the sun set over the mountains. It was the most incredible thing I have ever seen. I can’t help but picture that moment when I think of spirituality. It was at that moment that I realized there is a higher power. It baffled me as I looked at the sunset and wondered how this beauty could exist out here in the desert while there is so much pain and destruction in other parts of the world. That’s when I realized that I need to find beauty and not look in the faults that this world brings.
Like what my sponsor was saying this morning, accepting the imperfections, and also seeing the beauty in those imperfections. I have been working on step six and seven which is humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings. I don’t know if my shortcomings can ever fully be removed but at least I know I can accept them and learn from them. Now I can laugh and cry about the shortcomings in myself and in the world instead of trying to hide them with alcohol and drugs. I can see the good and the bad and find harmony in the balance between the two.