Table of Contents
Barrett – Self Will
I have run on self will pretty much my entire life. Growing up being a four sport athlete for thirteen years I was taught to never surrender. I was taught that when you surrender you are weak and inferior. The guy that surrenders comes in last. After being sober for four months and working some of the steps with a sponsor, I am able to look back and see that my own self will has brought me some success but has also led me down the wrong path spiritually and personally. My own self will can be selfish. When my own self will is in full control I can become self centered and start to only care for my own well being and think and do the things that only benefit me. In most of my personal relationships I was the one who was in control and whoever was with me was along for the ride. At the end of the day I mostly would have absolute say in most things. In the last four months I have learned that I need to surrender my will and be open to different ideas and perspectives. I am learning to listen to somebody and understand their perspectives and needs. For me and my family day was a huge turning point for me in this. I was able to hear their point of views and listen with full attention on what they thought would be best for me and also listen to their feelings and why they felt that way. I was able to understand them and feel what they felt which was huge for me. By being here in treatment I have learned to be more accepting of my surroundings and to let go of my self will to my higher power.
I pray everyday to my higher power regarding this. I have learned that what I think is best for me is usually not the right thing for me to do. Sometimes my thinking can be selfish. I am learning that I can’t control everything and every outcome in my life. I am accepting of that. It has brought me great stress relief knowing that I can let go of all that shit and still be okay and live a self satisfying life. Also being accepting of that has made me more open to my girlfriend and understanding her needs. Although this process is in constant work by me I feel I have come a long way. I feel drastically different inside. My relationship has changed 100% with my girlfriend. It has brought me great happiness listening and being open. I continue to work on being open, listening, and living in the present. These are my main three goals for the remainder of my treatment. Another major goal is staying connected to my higher power. Not growing up in a religious family it has been tough for me to grasp although my sponsor has taught me how to pray. It is still something I need to practice everyday. Being able to contact my higher power and pray has helped me overcome some big obstacles in my early recovery. I have to remember to keep praying and to keep praying for the right things in my life so I can remain sober, become a better father, and maybe someday become a better husband.
From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous-“1. The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. 2. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. 3. The most satisfactory years of existence lie ahead. 4. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and god will keep you unharmed. 5. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to god and people about us.”